Dec 6th, 2012 10:02am

Yeah, tonight isn’t going to be good:/ I wish I didn’t have to hear them. Can I drive away so I don’t have to listen to this? I don’t need this right now.

I’m sorry this is all my fault you argue. I’m sorry I am such a shitty daughter. You taught me to be passionate for the things I enjoy, and once I find those things, the problems began to show up even more. Do I just give those up? Would that stop you from arguing even more? I’m sorry I can’t make you proud. I’m sorry I mess up all the time. I don’t want my brother and sister to end up like me. Please stop it. I’ll give it all up for them. I’ll quit polo. I’ll go to a community college. I’ll stop driving. I’ll stop going to club. I’ll drop all my AP classes so you don’t have to spend money on me. I’ll stop applying to colleges. I’ll stop surfing. Please stop. There is no happiness here. I know I am not happy, but I see that my siblings are starting to understand what is going on and I don’t want them to end up like me, so fucked up. I see it in their eyes that they are losing happiness. I’m sorry I’ve been asking for so much. I don’t want to be a burden. I want to make you proud. I don’t try to be a bad daughter. I don’t know what I do. I’m sorry I have caused so much damage to this family. Maybe it is best that I leave it.

Suicide Medicine- Rocky Votolato

I have officiated that this is the song that describes me right now: 

Nov 2nd, 2012 12:50am

A brain that never stops ticking,
sometimes an on-off switch would sure come in handy
A mind that’s constantly cutting up and dissecting,
looking for answers, committing murders along the way

Is it the red wire, or the blue wire
just pick one and cut, it just doesn’t matter anymore
or did it ever, cause I could never control
when the bomb would explode
Oh god I love you, I mean forever
I left my body behind to break the news
looks like it’s over, please remember
all of the things I never got a chance to say
like you look smashing in your fourth grade picture,
the one that we hung by the door,
in our house that was so beautiful
Yeah, here in our little home

If this medication upsets your stomach,
take it with crackers, bread, or a small meal
We understand it won’t do shit towards a cure
But if you buy this, I promise you’re gonna like
the way it makes you feel

Is it the red wire, or the blue wire
just pick one and cut, it just doesn’t matter anymore
or did it ever, cause I could never control
when the bomb would explode
Oh god I love you, I mean forever
I left my body behind to break the news
looks like it’s over, please remember
all of the things I never got a chance to say
like you look smashing in your fourth grade picture,
the one that we hung by the door,
in our house that was so beautiful
Yeah, here in our little home
Our little home, nobody knows,
our little home, nobody knows what goes on
Our little home 

Oct 24th, 2012 11:36am

I hate that you can affect me so much. It has been so long since our problem happened and it still affects me as if it were just a few hours ago. I’m sick of the fact that I refuse to go to school some days just so I don’t have to interact with you or anyone else. I hate that we have to interact. I hate that I have to be the “grown up” while you can still act like a little kid. I hate that I was given all this responsibility, while you get to do whatever the fuck you want. I hate that I say I don’t care, but deep down I just wish I never opened my mouth. I wish I never had said what was on my mind, and I had stayed quiet. I wish I hadn’t caused this all, cause in the end, it is MY FAULT. It is always my fault. 

It is my fault that I have no friends.
It is my fault that I lost my best friend.
It is my fault that I am ostracized.
It is my fault that I lost everything.
It is my fault that I let myself get hurt.
It is my fault that I am like this.

Because you are just a fucking angel right.  

Oct 18th, 2012 10:29pm

I hate my body to be honest. Today more than others I couldn’t stand it. I wish I were a lot skinnier. I work my ass off and I get no results.  I lost 2 pounds since the last time i weighed myself, and that was over a month ago. I don’t eat like shit, I don’t sit around like a lazy ass, but I still don’t get the results I want. I wish I had the confidence to flaunt the body I have, but the truth is, I don’t like it. I want to change everything about it. What if I just stopped eating, maybe my body would be forced to burn all the fat I have and then I’ll be the way I want to be, and I’ll be happy with my physical appearance. 

Just an idea.

Oct 16th, 2012 3:31pm

Fuck you, fuck you fuck you. Why the fuck do I try to be a good person when no one gives a fuck! Honestly! I hate everyone at my school, I hate everyone in my town. I can’t wait to leave. You all don’t give a shit about anything and that is why you are still here.  I can’t wait to leave this place i have less than a year. I can’t handle everyone’s bullshit. I never asked for all of this shit in my life, so why did i get it? I’m jealous of those people who have such wonderful lives, who don’t have to worry or deal with anything. Those people that have a great family, amazing friends, a nice town, and a good life, I am jealous of them. Why do some people get so lucky to be blessed with those things, but yet others get the shit end of it all.  Why the fuck does that happen? Please explain this to me. I’m sick and tired of all this shit in my life. I’d love to live a day that those people get to live their entire lives. I fucking envy them. 

Oct 15th, 2012 5:30pm

I’m alone, that is the truth.  I have lost hope for things to get better. What does it matter if I’m here or not. No one will care, no one will remember me, and if they do it will be nothing positive. I am worth nothing, to everyone I am just something you walk all over and then discard  What type of life is that? I’m sick of this. I am done with putting up with this crap. I’m done with this smile on my face, I’m not keeping my sanity staying here. The only thing that I can do that would make everyone happy is by leaving. 

Sep 16th, 2012 8:57pm

I understand why people do not like me. I’m not good enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not amazing enough for them. I’m just not [anything] to them. I understand this, but please don’t make me feel like I am worthy for something better than what I am already used to dealing with. Don’t make me feel on top of the world and then pull it right under my feet once you get bored of me or when you were done having fun playing with my emotions.  I get it, I’m not good enough but you don’t need to pretend I ever was. Just as a courtesy, don’t ever tell me I am good enough, if you know that soon you’ll be out of my life, it just makes it easier for me to forget you.  I knew I was never good enough for you, but you made me feel different and then you took that away from me, and now here I am suffering the consequences of falling for you.

Sep 3rd, 2012 2:53pm

Applying to colleges is so weird. We hit that point our senior year where we have to make a decision where we want to go to the next four years.  For the past 12 years we have never had this decision, we go to the school closest to our homes and then the schools associated to it.  It’s amazing how it feels to be able to go to a school in New York, Florida, Oregon or even somewhere different in California.  Just the fact that I have that power now, feels amazing.  The issue with that feeling though is that even though it is amazing, I still fear I will not get into these schools I apply. The fear of rejection lurks in the air even more than before.  It was once the fear of getting rejected by someone you liked at the school you went to, but now it is a fear of getting rejected by a school you like.  It’s crazy. Now I am just babbling because no one is talking to me. GOD DAMN FUCK. I am just overwhelmed with this whole process. Maybe persisting on keeping a difficult school year wasn’t the smartest move I could make.  I guess I have to have no regrets, and push through til the end.

Aug 25th, 2012 11:08am

Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. I’m tired of feeling like crap all the time to be honest. It doesn’t make a difference how happy I act, I am so fucked  up it feel impossible to fix. I just want to be okay, but it’s so difficult to put on a smile and actually be okay. I wish i were 3 again where my only fear was clowns. I wish that I didn’t have the urge to hurt myself and I could just stop. It has almost been 10 years since all this started, and it has only gotten worse. I’m not even able to write my emotions anymore.

Aug 7th, 2012 10:43pm

I can’t breath. I feel every breath i take gets heavier and heavier on my chest and makes it harder to withstand all this pain.  I can’t sleep at night because I am sick of everything.  I don’t know. I’m just depressed. Just go on with your day. My emotions don’t matter, nothing matters about me. I’m just going to go on with my day.  I’m sorry I am not good enough for any of you. I guess i am just pathetic. I’m not good enough, so yeah. Have a nice day.